I Wanna Talk About Presence, Baby
The sexy side of being with it when you want to lose it...
This morning was a shit show.
Actually, it started pretty calmly - I did my breath meditation. I sipped a hot coffee (this is a rare thing for a mom…#ifyouknowyouknow). I listened to some Focus Jams while balancing the books. Classic Thursday stuff.
And I thought it would be nice if I let my daughter sleep in a bit, she’s been sick, it’s the end of the week(ish), what harm could it do? Famous last words.
The madness began at 8:05 when I started trying to rush her out the door. “We’re going to be late! No, you don’t need your umbrella! Fine! Grab the umbrella! LET’S GOOOOOOO!” She’s looking at me like I’m a maniac - I feel like a maniac.
I take a breath. Rushing is getting us nowhere.
“Okay my sweet girl - let’s get our boots on and go see our friends at daycare!” This feels like a better approach. I book a car-share because we are definitely too late to walk, plus I can now embrace those “cool mom” vibes while we stroll so that she can stop and pick every god damn dandelion we see.
Take a breath, Abby. Nowhere to be but here.
We drive the 6 minutes it takes to get to daycare. At least, it should have only taken 6 minutes. But every street within a ten block radius of the daycare is blocked off for roadwork or construction or just the universe making sure I’m as cool and calm as I’m pretending to be. I begrudgingly park as close as I can to the daycare, which is basically back by our house (why was I rushing again?!).
I drop off my little ladybug and clumsily run back to the car-share, rush home, fling open the front door - and find my aging, dementia-laden dog eating roughly $100+ worth of sunscreen, toys, and tampons. It’s everywhere. E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E.
Every swear word I’ve ever heard comes flying out of my mouth. I am sweaty. I am frustrated. My hands are tingling. And then ding! My alarm goes off, reminding me to pause and breathe before heading into the next thing. My first instinct was to throw the phone across the room. Luckily my heart took over, reminded me that the rageful rushing has done nothing for me so far today, what if we just sit down and take a few moments to get grounded before tackling the sunscreen swamp that is my living room.
I breathe in. Exhale, let it go.
Breathe in. Exhale, let it go.
One more time, deep breath in. Exhale, let it go.
I clean up - with the help of my Old School Hip Hop playlist. Ahhh, that’s better.
These days are few and far between. For the most part, I’m able to get to the breath before the chaos intervenes. But it happens, and when it does, I’m grateful to have a practice that I can turn to for grounding when I start to fly off the handle. One of the many things I’ve learned from being Elizabeth’s mom - why it’s so important to stop and smell the damn dandelions.
sending big love and deep breaths, abby